People and Community

Empty nest syndrome can cause sense of loss, anxiety

With school back in session and many parents dropping college-aged children off for their advanced education, there are many ways that moms and dads can prepare themselves for the transition if there are no other children still living at home.
In this photo taken Monday, May 29, 2017 a white stork takes off as another one remains standing in the nest during sunset in Balmazujvaros, 200 kms east of Budapest, Hungary. (Zsolt Czegledi/MTI via AP)
A white stork takes off as another one remains standing in the nest. Photo: The Associated Press

It is a rite of passage for most young people in the United States. Every fall, thousands of students move into college dormitories—often miles away from their homes—to forge new lives that will ultimately lead them to independence and careers.

In the wake of this ritual, there are those who are left behind. Parents, who up to now have seen their caretaking role as a primary one, now face a house without children and the empty nest syndrome. Some have planned for this exodus and have fashioned new leisure activities or taken up new hobbies, but for many the changes are difficult.

Patricia Sarmiento Molina is a lecturer at the University of Miami School of Communication and a web developer with University Communications. Her daughter, Sophia, recently left to attend The Juilliard School in New York City to continue her studies in violin performance.

Patricia Sarmiento Molina and daughter, Sophia
Patricia Sarmiento Molina with her daughter, Sophia (left).

Sarmiento and her husband, Luis, spent four days with Sophia enjoying the area around the school and helping her set up her dorm room. Since they were busy, Sarmiento did not have time to process that she was leaving her daughter behind.  

“It really hit me at the airport,” she said. “It was an emotion that was hard to describe. It was sort of when you break up with a boyfriend. A sadness and a bit of loss.”

Sarmiento knows that her daughter will be fine. “She is independent, and this is a great opportunity for her,” she said. “I am so happy for her.”

But Sarmiento said she will miss the family time she and her husband spent with their daughter. “We had created a routine with her that we will not have anymore,” she said.   

Felicia Gould, a clinical neuropsychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Miller School of Medicine, said that it is perfectly normal for empty nesters to feel sad and even experience periods of depression. The COVID-19 pandemic has also added another level of worry for many parents.

“Any major change in life: marriage, divorce, first baby, or having the kids move out of the house is a major stressor,” she said.  

Felicia Gould
Felicia Gould

But there are ways that parents can help themselves in this transition, she noted. Reaching out to family and friends and developing a support system with other parents who are also undergoing the same experience can be very helpful.

Keeping busy is one of the best ways for parents to cope with sadness and the void that exists when the children have left the nest, Gould said.

“They need to beef up their support system,” she said. “They can join a book group or engage in other new activities, or even those they did previously but didn’t have time for when the kids were home.”

For many parents the anxiety goes beyond the kids leaving the nest, she said. They must also accept that the parental role has changed. They have to learn to give up some control.

“Parents may believe that now they are parenting an adult,” she said. “They are no longer needed. I don’t have to provide three meals a day. I do not know at what time they come home or watch over their daily schedule and safety.”

But realizing that parenting a young adult who lives away from home is different than rearing one who resides with you is the first step. It can be stressful but can also be satisfying as one watches a child mature. It is important that parents talk to their children and express their concerns, Gould pointed out.

“You need to tell them: ‘I am nervous about you leaving.’ ‘I will miss you’,” she said. After that, parents should go about setting up new ways and new boundaries to continue their relationship with their older child. Will they continue to talk to each other every day? Will texting be better?

So far, Sarmiento has texted or talked to her daughter every day. “She has even FaceTimed me to show me things she has bought for her room,” she said. 

Gould said parents should remember that the move is also stressful for the child. It is well documented that young people experience their first mental issues in their late adolescence and early 20’s. Many of these issues can stem from the stress of starting out on their own, Gould explained.

And in many cases, children come back home after graduation. The Pew Research Center reported in July that 52 percent of young adults reside with one or two parents.

No matter how painful the separation from their children can be, parents should always remember that they are “parents for life, and their support will always be needed,” Gould said.